


I Don't Love You

by SuperMARVELous



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Forgiveness, Future Fic, Guilt, M/M, Mature Stiles, Past Abuse, Past Kate Argent/Derek Hale, Pining Derek, Sad Derek, Self-Hatred, Sex mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 07:37:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9113062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperMARVELous/pseuds/SuperMARVELous
Summary: Derek messes up... again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Quick little angsty one-shot I wrote loosely based on These Four Words by The Maine. Hope you enjoy.

Derek spent years trying to run away from his past. For a while there, he succeeded. There was no pack. There was no death. He didn't have to protect anyone or see anyone become as damaged as him. Leaving Beacon Hills was one of the best decisions he ever made.

But the thing with running is that you can't always do it forever. There's a point where it gets exhausting. Sooner or later you have to let people in again, no matter how much it hurts. And boy does it hurt.

Derek has let people in. Time and time again and they always let him down. Or rather, he lets them down. People have always expected too much from him. He hasn't been able to give anything since he took so much away. He killed his family and that's something he'll never be able to move on from.

And somehow he finds himself in the bed of a boy who he ran away from the most.

Stiles lays opposite of him in the bed mostly made for one. Derek didn't intend for this to happen. To find Stiles again after so long of the silence. It was a spur of the moment decision to walk up to Stiles that night. Maybe it was the alcohol.

Derek sits up in the bed, his feet land on the cold hard-wood floor. The bed is only meters from the ground so they lie perfectly flat. He rubs his eyes with the backs of his palms and lets out a sigh. He spots the clothing pooled on the floor.

He grabs his boxers. They could be Stiles though. He's decidedly not using his supernatural eyes to see in the dark. He slips them on and then sits back down on the bed. He stares into the dark. The only light in the small shack apartment is from the window.

Stiles lives in an area where there's not a lot of noise. Derek likes it a lot more than his place. It's a nice apartment. A lot nicer than the shoe box he's in now. But there's a lot of noise. Cars and people floors below. The sex and drug deals you can hear happening from a mile away. It's not pleasant, but it makes him feel a little less alone.

He picks up his jeans next. He knows they're his because they fit perfectly. Stiles may be a little broader now but he's still twig-like compared to Derek. Which Derek doesn't mind. He's grown into the gangly limbs he once had.

Derek sits on the bed again, reaching down to put on his socks. He feels like a dick for quietly rushing out of Stiles' apartment without a goodbye. But this wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to get involved with Stiles or anyone from Beacon Hills.

He sits there just a little longer. He wants to reminisce in something he could have. But he doesn't deserve something like this with someone like Stiles. He did enough damage to Stiles in the past. He doesn't want to fuck him up anymore.

"Derek?" Stiles asks, he's still mostly asleep as he says it. Well, there goes the opportunity to sneak out. "What are you doing?"

Derek doesn't turn to look at Stiles. If he looks into those big brown Bambi eyes, he's going to feel worse. Which is probably what he deserves. He just lets Stiles stare at his naked back.

"I should go," He says quietly.

"Go? You just got here," Stiles says. Derek can feel him move behind him.

"I can't stay," He mumbles.

"Of course you can stay. I'm not making you go. I-"

"This was a mistake," Derek tells him.

"This was definitely not a mistake," Stiles says. Derek can feel his body weight leave the bed.

Finally, Derek turns to look at him.

He's not naked anymore, which is sort of a tragedy. Stiles is unconventionally beautiful. He's got these broad shoulders and thick muscles at his arms. His waist is slim with no six pack on his stomach but he doesn't need it.

He's still got those long thin legs but they also are a bit thicker from working out. He's covered in moles that Derek would never get tired of counting or touching. And his throat just looks so kissable that Derek has to keep himself from looking.

His thighs are covered now by those skin tight boxer shorts. They allow Derek to still see ever curve which is a bit like a sin. He has to look back at Stiles' face to make this an appropriate conversation.

He's grown his hair out a bit more. It's sloppy from sex but it's also just how he keeps it now. When they met in the bar, it looked like he hadn't even brushed it. It looked effortlessly put together. And don't even get him started on his lashes. They make his eyes a bit more bold. Those whiskey eyes that Derek wishes he could forget.

He never really stopped to appreciate everything about Stiles before.

"We need to talk about this," Stiles says.

"This shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have approached you-"

"I'm glad you did," Stiles interrupts. "It's been, what? Ten years?"

"It was meant to be longer," Derek admits.

"Yeah. I got that. After you stopped answering my texts, my calls, my emails. I needed you and you weren't there, Derek," Stiles accuses.

"What did you need me for?" He asks.

"Well when my best friend believed a psychopath over me, it's hard to find someone to confide in," Stiles shrugs.

"What did you do?" Derek asks quietly. He thinks he knows the answer already but he doesn't want to say it. He doesn't want to be right about this.

Stiles looks down at his hands and shakes his head. He can't say it either.

"I'm so sorry, Stiles," Derek sighs.

"Yeah. Things got a bit messed up after you left," Stiles shrugs.

Derek looks at Stiles and wants to walk up to him. Give him some form of comfort. But if he's going to walk out of here, he can't. They can't be friends after this. He wishes it didn't have to be like this. He wishes he could give Stiles his heart so he could stay but he can't. He needs to walk out that door.

"Stiles I'm not the person you should talk to about this. I don't-" For some reason he can't say it. Four words. They don't come easy.

_I don't love you._

"Don't say it," Stiles says quickly. "Don't pretend that you don't feel it too. Haven't felt it for years."

"Stiles I don't-"

"What do you know about love, huh?" Stiles spits out. "Every definition of the word you've ever been given has ripped you to shreds."

"What do you know about me?" Derek accuses. "I'm just some guy you knew years ago. You didn't even know me then."

Stiles scoffs. "I knew who you were. And because of that, I fell for you. You can't take that away from me. I know I loved you. Couldn't stop if I tried."

"You don't know what that means! You're just a child!"

"Oh really? Because the last time I checked I wasn't in high school anymore, Derek. I'm not even in college! I'm an adult with a job who can make logical decisions."

That stops Derek a little. When had Stiles grown up? He missed it all. He chose to leave Beacon Hills behind and in the process he left Stiles too. The only thing left to care about was that boy who didn't need a burden like him in his life.

Derek was there for the nogitsune. He watched it turn Stiles into someone he wasn't. Stiles was never meant to come out of that unscathed. Derek wouldn't have blamed him if he chose to run away too. But Stiles didn't. He stayed and fought. He never backed down or cowered away.

The only time he ever thought about giving up was to save his friends. If he had to die to get rid of the nogitsune, then so be it. He didn't care. He was so ashamed of what he'd done and guilty for those he killed. Derek wished he was the type of guy that Stiles was.

"You're right," Derek amends. "You were never really a kid to begin with."

"Neither were you," Stiles insists. "I think that's why I understood you. From the very beginning."

"You were scared of me," Derek scoffs.

"At first," Stiles nods, smiling a little at the memory. He steps towards Derek and when he's mere inches away, he stops. He takes Derek's hand and clenches it. "It's been a long time since then."

Derek lets Stiles hold his hand. It's the first time in a while since he's let anyone show real affection towards him. There's the one night stands and the disaster dates but Derek never lets them get too close. He doesn't even let Cora treat him kindly when she comes around. He knows he doesn't deserve her love.

Which is why he slips his hand out of Stiles' and turns around. He walks towards the window and clenches his eyes shut. He's just waiting for Stiles to yell again.

"You're not her. You're not Kate," Stiles tells him. It's soft, in a way that the words vibrate around Derek.

"What does that-"

"You loved her, Derek. I know you're ashamed of that but you shouldn't be. She tricked you. You knew what you were doing and how you felt. She just knew... better," Stiles is talking to him like he's some kind of charity case. Like he doesn't deserve the guilt he feels. Like it's not all his fault.

"Stop treating me like I'm the victim-" Derek turns around and shouts at Stiles.

"You are! She was the aggressor. She took advantage of the fact that you were in love. And she broke you and made you think you'd become her," Stiles shouts back at him but quiets his voice so he doesn't scare Derek. "You are not her and I am not you. Why couldn't you understand that sooner?"

"I left all that behind when I left Beacon Hills," Derek says. He left all the feelings they could have had for each other. He thought they could be erased by distance. Boy was he wrong.

"You left me without a goodbye and that was such a kick in the face," Stiles tells him. "You almost died right in front of me and you told me to leave you! What self-sacrificing asshole does that!"

Derek suddenly feels worse. He hadn't really realized what he meant to Stiles. He was a part of the boy's life for a long time. They'd been through a lot and saved each other even when they didn't have to. Stiles saved him so many times. He should have some kind of life debt.

Derek calms himself and sits on Stiles' bed. Stiles just stands there like he's left the conversation open for him to respond. Derek was never really good with words before, he's kind of even worse now. Fighting with Stiles, before he's about to leave him for good, doesn't seem right.

"I tried to move on," Stiles whispers. "But the problem with living this life is that you can't really un-live it."

Derek sympathizes with him. No matter how much he runs away from Kate and what she did to his family, the pain doesn't stop. The memories, the PTSD, everything just gets worse. It all gets so heavy and he feels like he's drowning in it. He wishes that feeling would go away.

"I'm sorry I left you," Derek admits. He knows he shouldn't but he feels like he has to.

"Scott tried to talk me into getting over you," Stiles laughs with a small hiccup. "And you know Scott. Always seeing the good in people. He wasn't very good at making you out to be the bad guy."

Derek wishes Stiles would have listened to his friends. If Scott could have just gotten Stiles to leave him alone, they wouldn't be in this situation. But of course Stiles was right in the fact that Scott turning him away from Derek would have never worked.

He was only twenty four back then and a stupid boy that Stiles didn't need to get involved with. But the feelings were always there anyway. The UST but also so much more. Well, not at first. Most of it was just lust like Stiles had with Lydia but then they got more involved with each other and that's the path that lead them in the wrong direction.

Derek feels kind of drunk. Well, he is drunk and shouldn't really be having this conversation with Stiles in the first place. Not when he's so vulnerable.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore," Derek tells Stiles.

In the amount of time it took Derek to finally say something, Stiles has put on some jeans and a dark sweater. He looks much older like this. He wasn't exactly sure what Stiles did for a living but he could see him as a writer or professor. And a hot one at that.

Stiles rubs at his eyes as he walks over to Derek to take a seat. He hadn't even realized Stiles started crying at some point. Stiles shouldn't waste his tears on someone like Derek. He wasn't a good enough person to cry about. But Stiles was kind of pretty when he cried.

And it wasn't full blown bawling. His eyes weren't red rimmed and snot wasn't dripping from his nose. It was evident that he had been but in a way where only a few tears escaped from his lids. He didn't want to feel so deeply about it but he did and Derek wasn't going to judge him for that.

Derek knew he was going to hate himself once this was all over. Once he let Stiles go, for good this time. And somewhere he would know that Stiles was telling him, "I told you so." Because Stiles knew that Derek didn't want this but was pushing for it anyway.

Stiles takes Derek's arm and holds onto it. Derek feels a little exposed now that Stiles is fully clothed, socked feet and all. But Derek was never afraid of nudity, especially when he transformed into a full wolf.

Stiles sighs a little. Derek turns to look at him. The man just kind of looks up at Derek and leans their foreheads together before he speaks, "We're both killers. It's in our blood. But you know what it's also in? The past."

"You say it like it's not there anymore. The guilt. The pain we caused."

"It is," Stiles shakes his head, Derek's face is turned towards the window again. "God, of course it is. But we can't fix it. And boy did I try. And you know, it helped to help people. For a while. Then I finally decided to walk away."

"I killed my family."

"I killed my friends," Stiles shrugs. "I killed innocent people."

It's suddenly too much for Derek to handle. Because he caused this to happen to Stiles. If he wouldn't have let Laura go back to Beacon Hills...

"I need to go now," Derek gets up and makes it to the door after throwing his shirt back on.

"No, you know what you don't get to do? Run. You've run from your problems all your life and it's about time you stop."

The force from the words that leave Stiles' mouth hit him so hard, he doesn't even know what to say back. That's not unusual though. What is unusual is that Derek doesn't run. He doesn't even reach for the door knob which is right in front of him.

"Own up to the fact that we had sex and it was something that made you feel alive again for the first time in so long!" Stiles shouts. "Because I'm not going to lose you. Not again."

"What's so great about me, Stiles?" Derek asks.

"The fact that I don't feel so lonely when I'm with you," Stiles says.

"There's so many people out there that are better than me-"

"I don't see it that way," He shakes his head a walks to the door. "Would you just give this a try."

"I don't want you to wind up hating me," He admits looking down while Stiles tries to get him to look at him.

Stiles shakes his head and pulls Derek into a slow, intoxicating kiss.

"Stop running," Stiles whispers, running his fingers through the hair on the back of Derek's head.

"Okay," Derek sighs and melt into Stiles' touch. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.


End file.
